Minsk to Mist

Today was supposed to be my wedding day.

It isn’t. And the relationship is no more.

Back in July, I got verbally and physically attacked by my partner, following which he is obviously not my partner any longer. The wedding was cancelled, the story was relayed to my friends and mother (and met with two completely different reactions, but that’s a story for another day), a lot of reflection was done, some of which led to healing.

The healing itself? In progress…

But let’s address everything one step at a time.

So, what happened?

Given the matter is still ongoing and the court hearing is yet to take place, I’m not exactly at liberty to say much. My ex has now been charged with assault, and he is yet to plea, and then the court is yet to make their ruling.

What I can say is that it was a party at his friends’ house back in July. I was a designated driver. He took it as an excuse to drink too much. Not a massive problem, but for some reason, he decided it was also a good time to start getting aggressive towards me. On the way home, he also felt like crawling around in the car and threatening to jump out of it would also be a good idea (spoiler: a terrible idea!).

When we got to the development where we lived together, I was about to park the car when I got physically and verbally assaulted. A neighbour interfered and told my assaulter to let me go. He did let go eventually, so I escaped from the car and called the police. He stayed in the car, beeping aggressively at 11 pm at night, which disturbed other neighbours. They stayed with me until the police arrived (in all fairness, the police took the matter seriously and arrived within minutes). Then he got arrested.

I went back home, shaking and unable to collect my thoughts. The police officer took my witness statement. Asked me if his name was on the tenancy agreement, and having received a negative response (which is true) reassured me that he has zero claims on coming back to the flat. He was released on police bail the following day and taken to his mother’s house. As of now, I have no idea as to where he lives and what he’s been up to.

Are you safe now?

Well, ish.

In the UK, victims of domestic abuse can get legal protection, such as police bail and non-molestation orders (often referred to as ‘restraining orders’ in the States). I did get one, which was actually quite straightforward. While it’s very helpful and I’m glad I have both right now, a piece of paper is not going to protect me if he decides to break the rules, show up next to me and take revenge for me standing up against him.

Because he’s already broken the bail conditions a few times. They said ‘no contact’ – and he thought it’s OK to call me 5 days after the assault as if nothing had happened. And I was in a different country about to walk into a client’s office! He thought it would be OK to do it again a month later and called me asking if we could talk. Absolutely ignored my ‘No, I don’t want to talk to you’ response and kept dialling. The call I got in the middle of the night two days after I ran the Berlin marathon was most likely from him, too. Who else would be calling me at 1 in the morning from a withheld number?

So yeah, I take certain precautions to be able to physically protect myself if need be. Legal protection is helpful in the sense that at least he and his family wouldn’t try to explicitly bother me whenever they please. Physical safety? Still my own responsibility. Sadly, that’s the reality for many women, whether they have lived through domestic violence or not.

What’s next?

Most of his belongings are still in my flat. I’m trying to get rid of him, but apparently there’s no easy way to do it unless the abuser who got kicked out explicitly states through his lawyers where those belongings need to be sent. In the meantime, the victim has to look at their crap and act as a free-of-charge storage facility. Just because his mother, who lives in a house that she owns (unlike myself, who lives in a rented flat), claims she has ‘no place to store the belongings’. Yeah, right…

That’s the only thing that really bothers me a lot at this point. Other than that, I think I’m on a good track to heal.

Doing more work than I used to, simply because I have more time on my hands now, so why not dedicate some of it to my career?

Continuing with my MBA studies.

Contemplating my next marathon aka life post-Berlin.

Seeing my friends. Hopefully throwing a cool New Year celebration party.

Slowly but steadily going through a list of 60+ things I want to accomplish before I even consider going back to dating. Or better yet, just focus on those things INSTEAD of dating:)

Some people are asking me if I’m a man-hater now. No, not at all!

The people who came to my rescue the night of the attack were mostly men.

I had tons of supportive messages from men I’m working with.

Overall, I see women around me in happy and healthy relationships because they chose the right men. Which I didn’t. And I should probably learn from those women.

Until such time as I am more educated on the matter, I do not envisage having a romantic partner in my life. Not for a while anyway.

What I learned from it

• Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t accept their excuses or promises of change, or even those rare occasions when they actually try to behave as if they care. Any doubt should be a reason to end a relationship.

• Always have your own money. When I called my mum two weeks after the attack to tell her about what had happened, I thanked her for raising me to be independent. I honestly have no idea how women without any money of their own manage to handle it.

• Nothing in your life is a given. You might be ordering a wedding dress one day, and a few days later, you are calling the police on your fiancé because he just called you a ‘see you next Tuesday’ and slapped you on your face. (The irony of the situation is that he’s the one who taught me that a C-word is absolutely horrible and should never be pronounced).

• Ask for help when you need it. But don’t expect others to fix a problem. The police are going to come and protect you in the moment. Then, they might be giving you zero updates unless you ask them for one. Be persistent. Ask people who help victims of domestic abuse about your options. Or at least ask ChatGPT about what to do! If AI is going to take the humanity down, at least I’ll do it knowing AI helped me take down an abuser first.

• Domestic violence is the worst. It’s like the person you loved was killed – by the very same person, just a different side of their personality. You are grieving that person you loved but can’t fully mourn them as their murderer is the same face, the same rituals, voice – everything! Looking at the face you used to love makes you shiver. It’s actually worse than when someone you love dies. At least for actually dead people it wasn’t their choice and at least you get to mourn them properly. And you don’t need to seek a non-molestation order against them.

• I have absolutely phenomenal friends. The amount of support, kindness and genuine offers of help from so many people was overwhelming in the best possible way. I guess I have done something right in my life if I ended up having so many amazing people in it who have my back and want to be there for me. And I know now for a fact that the good people outnumber the bad ones.

What to do if it’s happening/ happened to you

• Seek help.

I know it’s hard. Narcissists typically go after strong people who don’t tend to ask for help on every single occasion. It’s more fun for a narcissist to try and break a strong personality because: a) it’s not interesting to break a weak one; b) we probably won’t be asking for help for a while. This is where you need to stop putting on a brave face and ask for help. The police, domestic abuse charities, national helpline, your friends – anyone you can get a hold of.

• Don’t give up. And use your anger to stand up for yourself

Domestic violence is considered to be a very serious offence in the UK because the very person you are supposed to trust violates your safety in the comfort of your home. Don’t forgive the bastard for anything. Kick him out or leave. The police officer who was taking my witness statement the night of the attack told me that the police do their best to address DV calls as promptly as possible. Yet, sometimes they end up arriving too late. A gamble where your life is at stake is not worth it. One attack is a strong enough reason to eliminate that person from your live.

• Write down everything that happened, before you forget

Legal proceedings take time. Human memory tends to erase details or, on the opposite, come up with non-existing ones. If the matter reaches the court, you will need to provide an account of what happened during the assault. It’s better if you write it down while your memory is still fresh and then revisit it when you need to give you statement during the trial. And no, don’t rely on the witness statements you give to the police – you’ll never get copies of those. Have your own story in writing.

Not to mention it’s a good way to get it out of your system and to help you with the healing process.

• YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!

Yes, I’m going to shout it, and that’s a hill I’m going to die on.

There is absolutely no excuse for attacking the person you allegedly love. There is no excuse for attacking anyone, period. You might have given them too many second chances, you might have given them the benefit of a doubt, you might have let a bit too much slide. None of this is an excuse to abuse you.

If they can’t appreciate your patience and love, it’s THEIR FAULT! Not you ‘winding them up’, not you provoking them. If they are so easy to be wound up, they should give up living in a civilised society and go live among animals.

Although I doubt an animal would want them around…

• It’s going to be a long road.

Three months into it, I’m yet to reach my destination of full healing and regaining myself back.

So, ignore what others say unless it makes you feel better. Do what makes you feel happy in the moment.

Every little step counts.

The ear piercing you’ve been meaning to get for years.

A new dessert.

A habit you gave up because of your ex and would like to re-explore it again.

A little clean-up at home.

A lovely meeting with friends.

The only one who can judge you for your healing process are those who have gone through the same thing. And we know better than to be judgemental.