Minsk to Mist

By now, I have seen it a million times.

A person moves to a different country. They rent a flat (or even a house), find a job, sort out their new day-to-day stuff (which isn’t easy)… and then they spend years trying NOT to live in their new country.

They limit their circle to people from their own country, or at least people with the same native language. They consume media from back home, and nothing else. They learn just enough of the local language to be able to do grocery shopping.

And then they say ‘well, I don’t see my future here, so why bother?’.

Well, how can you see a future anywhere if you don’t make an effort? How can you build something in your new homeland if you can’t even make a few tiny steps outside of your comfort zone, let alone make a commitment? Since when does this country owe you integration?

When you are in a relationship with a person, at some point, both of you need to commit to each other – or make a decision to stay in an eternal situationship. The hurtful truth is, when you refuse to integrate, you are robbing yourself of so many things, it’s akin to smoking, drinking, eating crap and not working out and using other ways to be self-destructive – just to your soul, not your body.

What is it that you deprive yourself of when you make a conscious decision not to integrate?

Personality expansion

The person who visits their parents left in their native country and the person who goes to work every day in their new country are two different personalities – even if they cohabitate in the same body. This difference is amplified if you use two different languages for these contexts. Add extra points for your dual personality if you come from a culture that is massively different from the one you are just navigating.

The person you become in Manchester is likely to be different from the personality you have in Minsk, Dhaka, Buenos Aires or Beijing. It will be a different set of beliefs, cultural norms, what is and isn’t acceptable.

The most common objection I heard on the matter was that people were wary of losing themselves and the piece of their identity if they were to integrate. But that’s the trick and the beauty of the whole process! Who you were in your native country does not have to be erased. Similar to how learning a new language does not erase your knowledge of the native one.

You are not losing your original personality. Instead, you are gaining an additional one.

Speaking of languages:

Multilinguism

Multiple studies (such as this one and this one, for instance) have shown that learning a new language changes the structure of your brain, and in a very good way. It builds new neural connections, improves brain plasticity and makes the grey matter denser. Not only it expands your communication skills and your horizons, but it also boosts your creativity, improves decision-making and problem-solving skills, and ultimately helps your brain stay young for a longer period of time. It’s kind of a full-body workout for your mind.

Which is why it baffles me when people move to a new country and don’t bother learning the language. While staying in your language bubble does sound safe and comfortable, why not take advantage of all the opportunities living in a new country – and a new language – have to offer? And if you do go ahead and learn the language of the country you live in, why limit yourself to ‘one coffee and two cakes’ level? When you have an option to make more money beyond the ‘enough to survive’ level, you go ahead and try to improve your quality of life. Why not do the same with the language?

Expanding your linguistic horizons opens so many doors to you in terms of building relationships, understanding the context better (and making sure you fit in), getting more job opportunities and embracing the culture of your country. A friend of mine who moved to Lithuania in 2022 was telling me about how Lithuanians are fond of bees and how they hold a special place in the language. To the extent that, even though there’s no official concept of animatedness in the language (there is one in Russian and Belarusian, for example), humans and bees are the only exceptions. And it’s just one of the many things he found to be very fascinating about the language.

No wonder he has more local friends and is much happier than those who moved to Vilnius at the same time but decided not to bother with ‘a small nation’s language that is of no use anywhere else’. (goodness, people, how about showing at least some respect to the country that gave you refuge?!)

Growth outside of your comfort zone

Well, there’s no growth within your comfort zone anyway…

But what I want to focus on here is the choice some people make to stay within their expat bubble.

Is it comfortable? Of course it is! Is it helpful? Yes, at times, and actually when you first move somewhere and are just learning to navigate the local customs, bureaucracy and annoying day-to-day stuff like sorting waste and paying your council tax, I would encourage you to stay within that bubble for a while. In addition to helping you with practical advice, your former compatriots also provide emotional safety and at least a temporary cure for homesickness. And this means a lot when you undergo a stress of starting your life anew in an unfamiliar country.

A problem occurs if you never venture outside of that community even after having lived in your new homeland for years. What was the point of leaving your life behind if you don’t get to experience everything your new country has to offer? Are you surrounding yourself with too comfortable a circle, akin to authoritative rulers always surrounded by yes-men? The easier it is to find people exactly like yourself, the harder it becomes to grow.

And that leads us to the next point, which is…

Networking

I’m not saying you can’t get any helpful contacts and introductions within your expat bubble – of course you can, and sometimes they can be super-cool and powerful! Where you might be limiting yourself is if you focus ONLY on that circle.

Integration is a practical life strategy. When you have completed the basic setup of your life in your new country, it is time to expand your horizons and open yourself up to new challenges. Having a network of people from different walks of life is the best thing you can do to help you find a new job, get business contacts, meet a new romantic partner, or simply be able to learn something new every day. And that new something can become a fantastic hobby or maybe even an opportunity for you to build a business of your own! Why deprive yourself of all that on purpose?!

Human friendships compound over years and decades. They span across countries and continents, and a good friend remains in your life regardless of distance between the two of you. ChatGPT is getting smarter and smarter with every single day, yet, there is no way it is going to replace natural human interaction or undermine the value of a friendship. This is the asset that never gets old, will never be replaced by AI, and that will always have high return on investment. People who have multiple meaningful relationships live longer, enjoy better mental and physical health and generally feel happier than those who limit themselves in human contact. You can’t put a price tag on that.

But what if I end up moving elsewhere anyway?

The problem with moving abroad is, regardless of where you end up, how much time you spend there, what you get to do there and so on, you always take yourself with you. The relationship with yourself is the only guaranteed ‘till death do us part’ arrangement that all of us get.

Why would you hate yourself so much that you would rob yourself of new opportunities? Why would you deliberately choose to sacrifice an entire dimension of life, an entire new personality, only to safe yourself some discomfort? Why, if you chose to spend a portion of your finite life in a particular country, would you refuse to actually be there? That’s a terrible way to treat yourself.

You don’t owe integration to anyone, except for yourself. Stop putting your life on hold and refusing yourself those new opportunities.

Get uncomfortable. Do something different for once. Learn the language. Make friends among the locals. Accept invitations. Get to learn that new side of yourself that you never knew existed.

Even if you leave in a couple of years.

Especially if you leave in a couple of years.