Minsk to Mist

I’m not good at seeking attention. So, if you haven’t yet heard it from me personally, please don’t take it as an offense. Most likely, I either have forgotten or didn’t find a good opportunity to weave it naturally into our conversation.

I am engaged and getting married, hopefully, end of this year.

Why just ‘hopefully’ and why am I not sure about the timeline? Because the concept of marriage and wedding planning in the UK is completely UNHINGED, at least for my Eastern European mind. In fact, I have managed to make sense of almost anything I have experienced throughout my 6.5 years living in the UK – except for British weddings.

As many of you know, I was married before. Back in 2012, as I was planning my first wedding back in Belarus, it took us a couple of weeks to set the date, and then we pulled it off in less than 6 months. Right now, over a month into the engagement, we are still not in a position to send ‘save the date’ cards and I am about to lose my marbles as to how difficult British weddings are! But let’s start from the very beginning.

Engagement ring – and the engagement itself

Back in the days, an engagement ring was supposed to be super-expensive – and that made total sense. Running a household was a full-time job, and married women had to focus on that – without getting paid and with no option of getting a side gig that would get them any money of their own. Men had to be the only breadwinners, and if a man died suddenly (which was typical for that time), his widow was supposed to be able to sell that ring and have at least some livelihood.

Nowadays, when the majority of women in the UK make their own living and sometimes even out-earn their men, the notion of getting a ridiculously expensive engagement ring that is worth 3 to 6 monthly salaries of the husband-to-be… still lives! And it’s supposed to be a sign of said man having very serious intentions and being ready to commit.

When my fiancé was still just my boyfriend, we had a few conversations on the subjects, and I made it clear that, to me, spending tens of thousands of pounds on a ring (that I won’t even wear because I don’t like jewellery!) wouldn’t be a sign of commitment. It would be a sign of stupidity! If you want to spend that much money on me, book us a nice holiday to go to Australia for a few weeks or to Peru! An expensive ring will be hidden far away from the fear of it being lost of stolen. A good trip to a dream holiday destination will stay in my memory forever.

I am glad to report that my fiancé respected my wish, and I got a ring that I’m not terrified of losing. Australia is yet TBD, though.

Congratulations cards

The engagement took place 2 days after my birthday (and 4 days before Christmas).

Can you guess for which of these three occasions I got the biggest number of cards?

Spoiler alert: my home is now full of ‘yay, you are engaged!’ cards. Oh blimey, it’s not even the wedding day yet, why is that such a big deal?!

Wedding venues – absolutely insane!

My fiancé tends to be very analytical. When choosing from a variety of options, he needs to look at different comparison factors, weigh each factor, and make a very thorough analysis of what would be the best alternative. I have a split personality when it comes to decisions.

With no set date in place and not even getting close to choosing a venue, I let my spontaneous sub-personality hit the ground running and send enquiries to a bunch of wedding venues. She ended up sending those to about 60 of them – and dropped off. Leaving my analytical sub-personality to pick up the pieces, sip through a million email from those venues and ask them not to call me every single day because, FFS, I WILL get back to you when I know what our next step is. If you send me a million follow-ups on WhatsApp, by email, on Hitched and then call me every day, chances are, I will remove you from my shortlist and never speak to you again. Well, unless my spontaneous sub-personality comes back and picks up where she left, but I don’t know when that’s going to happen.

The main reason my analytical personality is struggling is that her efforts of putting all those venues together into a single spreadsheet and all attempts to make an ‘apples-to-apples’ comparison are an exercise in futility. One venue offers the dry hire only, the other one offers ‘all inclusive’ package but then you start seeing that, say, catering staff has to be paid extra (so not ‘all’ is included, after all), the third one says you can bring your own booze but only on a third Thursday of every other months in a leap year and only on condition that you book a meal package from them and rooms for guests (any guests except for bride and groom). Oh, and there’s a venue that gives you a great price on the ‘all inclusive’ package, but only on condition that you can commit to 500 guests. I DON’T EVEN KNOW 500 PEOPLE!

The pricing logic in the wedding business is absolutely INSANE!

On the bright side, as an account manager and someone who used to be in sales, I found it helpful to be in a buying role for a while and to sit on the other side of the table. It has given me an opportunity to walk a mile in my customers’ shoes, understand how annoying it is when I follow up with them relentlessly and they hardly find the time to have a proper meal that day, let alone respond to all email from service providers, including me.

Wedding website – huh?

Having worked in IT since I was 19, I am a bit more tech-savvy than an average person. Setting up an entire wedding website sounds a bit over the top, though. And I do happen to have a lot of questions.

What happens to that website after the wedding? If the guests want to have all the details of the up and coming wedding, what’s wrong with, say, a shared Google Doc? Or an Eventbrite? And what happens in case of a divorce, do we get a refund? What if I don’t want to share any fun facts about us as a couple because they are very personal? So many questions, barely any answers, barely makes any sense.

A lot of fuss

Generally speaking, I honestly don’t get why wedding prep is getting so much fuss and why wedding websites say you need at least 12 months (ideally – 18) to plan one. It’s not a Hollywood movie shooting! It’s not an Oscar ceremony! It’s just two people making a lifelong commitment in front of their friends, families and some other people whose weddings they attended, so it would be rude not to invite them. Does it really need a year and a half worth of preparation?

As I’m trying to sort out through the marketing fluff of all email comms I got from wedding venues, I can’t help but get annoyed about one particular cliché – ‘the best day of your life’. What makes you think it is or if it will be? What about the day that he and I met? What about the day when we – hopefully – welcome our first child? What about the day when I – hopefully – become a British national? And why does it have to be such a big deal, except for the wedding venues and vendors hunting for our money? That’s probably the only question I should be asking myself.

Things that amuse me – and help me keep my sanity

Planning a wedding is very educational, though. I get to learn something new every single day. For example, did you know that the meal served at the weddings is called a wedding breakfast, even though it’s served in the afternoon/ evening? This is because, back in the day, the newlyweds were supposed to fast until after they got married, so the wedding meal was actually them breaking the fast.

Sometimes wedding come with exciting props. One of the castles that I contacted as a potential venue promises to supply a wedding cake stand… and a sword to cut the cake! When I, absolutely bewildered, shared that fascinating fact with my husband-to-be, he wasn’t surprised at all. He said that, if he were in the military, he would have to get married in a uniform that comes with a ceremonial sabre. And he would have to use it to cut the cake! (OMG, I can’t stop thinking about having a sword at my wedding…)

Another type of prop that speaks to my country of origin is… a wedding tractor! Apparently, it’s pretty common in the UK and in Ireland. If I were to go down that route (spoiler – highly unlikely), I would probably opt for a tractor from Belarus. Can you imagine having this sexy one at your wedding?

The amount of new information I process on a daily basis, in addition to work, MBA studies, marathon training and other things, is enormous, and I end up confused and overwhelmed more often than I care to admit. My fiancé, on the other hand, seems completely unperplexed and calm in that storm. It’s a good thing I am marrying him.