Minsk to Mist

Chit-chats are a must when you live in the UK! Awkward silence and an intimate contact with your phone are signs of good manners when you are on the tube or otherwise surrounded by complete strangers. In contrast, if you end up in a group where you are expected to actually meet and get to know people, staying silent and not even trying to strike a conversation can earn you a reputation of a sociophobe weirdo – or at least a person whose English isn’t yet good enough to talk to real people.

If you are anywhere like me (a natural introvert who was forced to learn to be an extrovert), a prospect of initiating a convo with someone you barely know sounds daunting and results in shivering and a slight panic. What if they think I’m stupid? What if I come across as intrusive? What if I my question is completely foolish or inappropriate? What if I go too far with my small talk and end up making it ‘big’?

Despite years of practice, those questions still visit me from time to time, and sometimes I do know I asked something stupid. I have, however, figured out a few techniques that help me navigate beyond small talks – and sometimes even build up on that and befriend someone!

Start small

Someone you’ve met 5 minutes ago is not expecting you to know about their hobbies, family members or recent love drama their best friend is going through. (and if you know about that somehow, you might want to fake ignorance so that you’re not taken for a creep) And no one expects you to start with reciting medieval poetry or quoting Nietzsche. You can lead with a couple of brief conversation starters such as:

1. How are you today?
2. Do you come here often?
3. Where are you from?
4. How do you know the host/ the hostess of the party?
5. How long have you been living in London?
6. What is it that you do for a living?
7. Any fun plans after that?

Build up on what you already know

Assuming you get anything beyond a one-word response from your counterpart (and they are probably more inclined towards awkward silence if they limit themselves to such modest responses, so back off!), you already have some information you can use to develop the convo. Here are some examples:

Looks

• That’s a great T-shirt, did you go to that university/ do you play football/ is that a line from a song?
• I love those earrings; did you make them yourself? What inspired you to make your own jewellery?

Native country

• Whereabouts in [their native country] are you from?
• What’s the weather like in there right now?
• If I were to visit [their native country], what are the top underrated places you’d recommend that I saw?
• Do you go back to [their native country] often to visit family and friends?
• What’s the most popular dish in your native country?

Pastimes

• How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun? (Or, if it’s Thursday or Friday – ‘Any fun plans for the weekend?’)
• Do you go to the theatre/ movies/ play football/ go skiing often?
• What is your favourite play/film/ book?
• I’ve never heard about that play/film/book, can you please tell me a bit more about it?
• Who is your favourite actor/ actress/ writer/ poet?
• What’s your favourite place for skiing/ running/ walking?
• How challenging is [the activity your counterpart is involved in, but you’ve never heard of it]? What does it take to pick it up?
• What excited you about crocheting/ pottery-making (etc. etc.) and made you pick it up?
• What’s an item that you have crocheted/ knitted/ paper-folded (etc. etc.) that you are most proud of?
• Have you seen any good movies or TV shows lately?
• Are there any actors I could have heard of in this show/ film?
• Do you like his genre?

Food/ Drink (perfect for a party or an event where refreshments and meals are served)

• Have you been to any interesting restaurants recently?
• Do you prefer sweet or savoury stuff?
• Of all the places in the world you have visited, which cuisine did you enjoy the most?
• Do you enjoy cooking? What’s your go-to dish that you are best at?

Remember – the trick with building up is LISTENING to the answers your counterpart gives. You don’t have to have tons of questions written out in your mind when you set off. Similar to driving on a rainy night without your main beam on, you don’t get to see beyond a few meters in front of you. As you progress, you get to see the next few meters, and so on, until you safely reach your destination.

Soften the questions you’re unsure about

As you progress in a conversation, especially with an easy-going person, you might either get particularly curious about a certain topic or willing to test the limits slightly to see what’s acceptable to ask in this environment. It gets extra tough if you are an immigrant, especially from Eastern Europe. We tend to be straight shooters, wear our hearts on our sleeves and ask any questions we need answers to in order to get a missing puzzle piece. And it sometimes lands us in trouble.

There is an easy way to avoid that trouble or at least to not come across as too blunt or as someone who doesn’t respect boundaries.

When in doubt, preface your question with something like ‘if you don’t mind my asking, …’ or ‘I apologise if my question is too intrusive, but…’. This one simple addition works magic in the sense that it gives your counterpart a moment to get prepared for a question they might not want to dignify with an answer. Additionally, you give them a free ‘get-out-of-jail’ card. And you own the objection before it is even made.

Now over to you! What’s your go-to strategy to strike a conversation with someone? How comfortable are you with a bit of an awkward silence anyway? Share your thoughts and experience in the comments!