Minsk to Mist

In my first few years in London, I heard way too often that making friends in this city is virtually impossible. People would say that very few stay in London for long enough to build and maintain long-lasting friendships, that everyone is way too busy with work and all the fun stuff the Big Smoke has to offer and generally, no one cares about anyone.

(Spoiler alert: this isn’t true)

For some reason, I chose to believe it and, for the first few years of my live in London, I didn’t even bother. I had two wonderful friends back in Belarus, who subsequently moved to Ireland and Mexico respectively, which made it even easier for me to visit them whenever I had a chance to. During the pandemic, we had to nurture our connections online anyway, and I, alas, maintained that inertia for quite a while. Anyway, life was good – or at least not too bad.

This post would probably never have come to life if it wasn’t for my partner. He doesn’t have many friends himself despite being a born-and-bred Brit. His friendships don’t extend past a couple of school friends. But at least he and his friends are in the same country and can meet up whenever they want! So, at some point, he started questioning me as to why I haven’t built any new friendly relationships in my native country. Having listened to my lamenting about lack of time, being introverted and, hence, pretty happy with the two fantastic friendships I already had and many other things, he responded:

– Well, I’m just worried that, if something happened to me, you would be here all by yourself, with no one to support you and no one to help you through it. It’s a good thing you have Julia and Alex, but what if they can’t come and visit you here when you need it?

I decided to ignore it. Until the day when something happened, specifically, my partner got into a horrible accident and had to spend three weeks in a hospital. Despite my mental toughness and tons of experience of dealing with crap situations (I’m from Eastern Europe after all!), this was a wake-up call for me. It was the time to challenge the things that people used to tell me when I first came to London.

So, how do you find friends in London?

Well, it’s complicated and easy at the same time.

In essence, people become friends when they like each other and spend time together. Someone can become intrigued about you within less than 5 minutes, however, to build an emotional bond strong enough to last, you will need more than that. Much more than that.

With that simple science behind it, I started looking at what would be the best place of meeting new people and building relations with them.

A workplace might be the most obvious answers, and one of my friends from the Belarusian life is actually my work bestie whom I met during his time in the London office. Times where different then, though, and there was one thing that certainly contributed much into building a relationship – we were all in the office all the time. Nowadays, when some of my coworkers moved out of London and don’t frequent the office, building new friendships there was a bit impractical. Unless I wanted to make friends with an office kettle.

During my time at Bumble, I saw there is a ‘BFF’ mode that helps you meet people who are looking for friends. Frankly speaking, while this would be a beaten path for me, it still felt a bit too much like dating. With a lot of grind and a lot of ‘first and last’ dates to go through before you get to a point when you can call someone a friend. So I didn’t even try.

I signed up for a couple of volunteering opportunities, which I found to be very rewarding and challenging in a good way. The problem was that it didn’t help me with developing friendships. Unfortunately, due to my work commitments, I couldn’t sign up for steady regular volunteering and would have to go for one-off engagements – which meant most people I met would do the same. Not something that gives you enough face time to forge a bond.

Then it struck me. Why not look at something that I like and, hence, wouldn’t have a problem doing on a regular basis, and think how I can use it to meet and to hang out with other people? Having a shared hobby definitely helps in building rapport and laying a foundation for a friendship. Not to mention that the time spent doing what you love flies by and puts you in good spirits.

During the pandemic, I picked up online Zumba classes (thank goodness we had YouTube back in 2020!), and even though I didn’t make much progress learning from videos without any feedback or regular schedule, it was something I loved and could imagine doing regularly. Another thing that I have been into for a long time is running. And while I used to see it as my introvertive hobby that helped me disconnect from the outer world for a while, I thought I’d give social running a chance.

Good news – it worked!

Despite all my shyness and insecurity and despite my deeply engraved belief that I’m a 100% introvert, I managed to build fantastic connections with amazing people. I can’t take much credit for it – it’s all them! Both in my Zumba community and in my running club, I was blessed with lovely friendly people who helped me open up and made me feel welcome.

The only thing I could possibly take credit for is taking my time and being patient. Relationships aren’t built overnight. You need to show up and talk to people regularly to forge that connection and to make it develop. Sounds scary and complicated? It’s not! Laying a foundation for a friendship is beautiful. When you are bonding with other people, you are investing your time in something no amount of money can buy.

This is SOOOO worth it! Cheering with my running friends for the founder of our club who was doing the London Marathon this year (and who’s also my friend now!) or hanging out with my Zumba girls in a park and breaking into a dancing impromptu just because we couldn’t help it are certainly on the list of my most cherished memories. And I look forward to seeing what other fantastic experience lay ahead of me.

In the final reckoning

If you are quite new to London (or just getting round to making new friends in the city), here’s what you need to remember:

1. Don’t believe those who say building friendships in London is impossible. In a city of around 8 mln people, you will find those who are ready to open their hearts and arms for you.
2. Stay as local as you can and try focusing on something you and other people have in common. A shared interest is the most fruitful soil for a new friendship.
3. Be patient. Think of yourself as an artist who works on a masterpiece – it does take time! But in the end, that’s one of the most beautiful things you have in your life – a masterpiece named friendship.