Minsk to Mist

You are in your early 30s, you divorce your partner of 10 years and send him back to your native country as he’s proven completely useless in life in general and in expat life in particular, and you end up being single in one of the biggest cities in the world. Depending on your circumstances and – most importantly – your attitude, this can be either fun or terrifying. When I found myself in that situation, I opted for the former and decided to make London my oyster in terms of living a single life.

One of the perks of being an introvert is that you find comfort in being on your own and don’t sweat over going to the movies or to a play by yourself. On the other hand, the downside of having been in a relationship for a long time is that having company is now your MO. You don’t have a problem doing fun things on your own but wouldn’t mind having your other half to do it together.

This is why I dived into dating pretty quickly after my breakup, but I still had the luxury of taking my time and looking at my options. Little did I know that, if you are in your 30s, you haven’t dated for a while and you get back to it shortly after covid, dating feels more like shopping in a clearance section of a department store… But more on it to follow!

How is dating in London different from Eastern Europe?

Having had the (un)pleasure of dating both in my native country (although a long time ago) and in London, I have managed to sum up the pros and cons of the latter.

What I appreciated:

• You can meet people from anywhere in the world

The melting pot London is, it gives you an opportunity to have a date with a person from any, even remote, part of the world. (Some of which referred to where they were born as a ‘country’, even though it wasn’t…) Regardless of whether a first date leads to a second one and whether this person can become your romantic partner, at least you get to learn about so many countries and so many cultures!

• (Most) people don’t see you as a gold-digger by default

Whenever I read any social media posts in Russian these days, half of them is about dating – and half of them mention the word ‘tarelochnitsa’. The most accurate translation I found for it is ‘food digger’ – a woman who goes on a date with the only goal of eating out and her suitor picking up the bill. This is a great reflection of how East Slav men approach relationships: they want to come across as providers, but most of them can’t afford to be one, so instead of trying to make more money or to focus on other decent qualities, they label women as food (or gold) diggers.

I don’t have a problem in splitting a bill, especially in London where eating and drinking out can break any bank. I am, however, unimpressed when the motivation for suggesting that we split a bill is coming from an assumption that eating and drinking at someone else’s expense is the reason I am on that date. Based on my experience, it’s more of an exception than a rule in the UK.

What I did NOT appreciate:

• Tons of grind before you meet a decent person

When you are spoiled for choice, chances are, it is going to take a while to find someone who’s actually interested in a relationship, is willing to make an effort and not a total psycho. This means that some time is going to be wasted talking to weird people whose claims on dating profiles are way different from the reality. Sometimes, you can filter someone out by something very obvious, such as your date showing up to your first meeting in a blatantly torn pullover with a hole in it bigger than London Eye, or your counterpart on the app cancelling your first dates one after the other only to completely put you off by sending a d*ckpick.

Other times, you can waste months talking to and occasionally meeting with someone who lives outside of London but claims to be moving back to it shortly because of work. When the alleged move is supposed to happen, the person may end the communication with a nonsense text message, only to text you 6 months later (when you are already in a relationship with someone else). If you haven’t yet done so, make sure you learn how to block people on WhatsApp.

• Too much choice – which applies to men, too

London is full of temptations. Those who have moved here recently, especially from a different country, can’t help it but take advantage of whatever the city has to offer. Unfortunately, sometimes it applies to dating where feelings of others are being ignored, meetings turn into a game of whether you get a ONS from a girl or not and, if nothing else, you can always say you have decided to leave the Big Smoke and move elsewhere. (Relocation is optional in that case) When you can get away with a lot of things, chances are, you are going to take advantage of it.

So, what am I supposed to do then?

There is a number of things I wish I knew sooner to save myself many hours wasted on meaningless chats, crappy dates and situationships that were neither fun nor leading anywhere. Each to their own, but a few of my lessons learned can be helpful for anyone who’s embarking on a dating journey in London, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. I’m not including things like ‘mind your safety’ and ‘don’t reveal too many of your personal details too quickly’ – but those obvious things still apply, just to be clear!

1. Self-reflect on what works for you and what doesn’t

You are the only person who can define your own boundaries, what works for you and what you’re not going to tolerate ever. For some people, sex on a first date is the only way of building relationships that they accept. For others (like me), this is not acceptable. Letting others cross your boundaries is not how you start a healthy relationship.

Be honest with yourself and think what your non-negotiables are. The list shouldn’t be too long, though (3-5 items on the list should suffice), after all, you are dating real human beings that don’t happen to be flawless. (Let’s face it, nor am I)

You might even want to write them down to avoid tons of thoughts going through your mind and to make it official, at least with yourself. And regardless of how lonely you feel or how tired you are of sorting through, make sure you can compromise on most things, but not your non-negotiables. No relationship is worth losing yourself.

2. Don’t stay pen friends for too long – go ahead and have a short date

A real-life person and the way they come across in an epistolary form can be two completely different instances. Same applies to their pictures on a dating app – the pics can be too flattering or too old (or, worse, of a completely different person). Last but not least, you can’t know if you are going to have physical attraction to each other until you meet face-to-face.

There is no point in wasting weeks or months in correspondence if, when you eventually meet, you or your counterpart are disappointed because of the gap between the image that was created online and the real person. Even if you don’t lie on your dating profile, your potential suitor might have built up a completely different perception of you in their heads. And vice versa.

Go for a short date to see if the live convo is going to flow and if you want to meet again. Have a cuppa or a drink after work. Chemistry is formed between people, not via online chats.

3. Cast a wide enough net

Like I said, you will need to filter out a lot of people – and sometimes it might feel like a lot of work. If you happen to meet someone who’s your only one at the very first date you go after a breakup, you are either the luckiest person ever (go buy that lottery ticket to see if you are) or you haven’t exactly healed from your previous experience (and there might be unpleasant surprises coming up).

Go ahead and chat to several people. See whom you like the most and – equally as important – who makes you feel liked and respected. Don’t settle for someone who seems to be OK but you don’t feel like it’s your perfect match. After all, that would not be fair to your counterpart either if you don’t feel excited about him or her.

It is a grind sometimes. But it can also be fun and broaden your horizons regardless of who you end up with. Finding the right person takes time, but so do friendships, achievements in what we love, good health and any other things that truly make us happy!